“Never ain’t here yet…”

Firstly, before I carry on with the general practice of reviewing motion pictures, I feel I should take a moment out of my obviously hectic schedule, and tip the would-be bowler to a special group of people -

Cinema employees.

Now I know that a few of you guys read this, so kudos to you, but to those who don’t work in a cinema, take note: We put up with alot of shit. Now granted this may not be as much as say barstaff, because they have no end of crap heading their way every night, but some of the crap that does come our way quite frankly is just unreasonable. Hell, I was insulted the other day for not letting a 14/15 year old child into Black Swan without ID, and her mother kicks up a fuss. Really!?

In all seriousness folks, we are not paid to put up with shit at work. We aren’t paid to put up with abuse, there is no reason for it, and it just makes work more stressful for everyone concerned. So if you’re thinking about taking someone who may look underage to see a 15 or 18 rated film, Get a Fucking Passport!!!

Anyway, now that that small, stupid pocket of the British public is known, back onto reviews, reviews reviews galore.

Appaloosa

Now this one had quietly slipped under the viewing radar for quite some time, having only been released in 14 screens across the US and only 169 screens over here. Which is hard to imagine, considering the cast on show (Ed Harris, Jeremy Irons, Renee Zellweger and Viggo F*ckin’ Mortensen). Might have been because this one was done for a relatively small budget and that the studios wanted to keep Ed Harris’ directing low key, but anyway.

Appaloosa – Two lawmen-for-hire (Harris, Mortensen) arrive in the town of Appaloosa, which is under the thumb of outlaw Randall Bragg (Irons). They proceed to restore order whilst both falling under the gaze of Allison French (Zellweger) a woman who may be more than she first appears.

She isn’t.

Now what, in honest truth, shocked me the most about this film, was that it was tragically mediocre. The set-up quite frankly is fantastic, there are also two wonderfully sharp ‘bitchslap’ moments and it has such a talented cast (which also includes Timothy Spall, who walks on water dontcha know!). But this film, for me, just fails to ignite.

I find that the reason for this is (and I hate to say this) Ed Harris. He directed, co-wrote and starred, and already that is a recipe for disaster. He has no-one above him telling him “No Ed, you’re being a dick, this film is really about Viggo’s character” and as a result his performance is really an attempt at show-stealing, and it doesn’t work. As talented as Harris undoubtedly is (and his dad is in this, oh yes, Bob Harris is still among the living folks!), Mortensen is a far superior actor. Hell, even on the DVD cover, Harris is further into the foreground than Mortensen, our supposed main protagonist. It just doesn’t work as an Ed Harris vehicle.

Also, Timothy Spall should stick to English accents. He wasn’t much good as an American. It’s Sean Bean from Silent Hill all over again, and it shouldn’t happen to wonderful British acting talent. Jeremy Irons can pull it off, but he has a proven track record of accents, all of them coming from Die Hard with a Vengeance, so he’s an obvious choice. Spall? No.

If I haven’t mentioned it yet, I will now. Zellweger was crap. Did nothing for me.

Although there are alot of negatives to this film, it is still watchable. Mortensen quite frankly should have shared the screen with Irons for the whole film, but we can’t have everything. Still, it’s ok if you want a fairly mundane western with a bit of a twist and turn in it, nothing special.

Oh, and Lance Henriksen. Beat that True Grit.

Next up will be a film I have been meaning to watch for some time now.

Gattaca.